A Letter To A Dancer...

I can't help but think that this thing really only gets used whenever I'm going through shit. Not much of a blog, more of a diary. Whatever. Just a warning, there's nothing insightful about the election, or the economy, or anything. Just me pouring out how I feel onto a page. I just need to get it all out. Sorry.

SO I sit here, single once again and for all intensive purposes, shattered. After getting home very late Friday night, I dug in and didn't leave the apartment until going to do my radio show Sunday night. Opening the window Sunday afternoon seemed like a major accomplishment. And before you even ask, yes I was drunk. Yesterday was my first booze-free day since then. There's just so much different this time around. Unlike every other breakup, there is no anger here. None. And there is really very little regret because that really didn't factor into anything. I went out and put all of me out there. But it all comes down to timing. It just not the right time for her to try to do something like this, especially across the state. There really isn't anything else I could have done. I supposed that's what I get for falling for someone that much younger, but I couldn't help it. We both admitted that we were not what the other was looking for. But when someone so wonderful comes into your life, you can't help it. I had been doing ok the last day or two. Believe me, I have so much work to do that I really should be burying myself in it. But here I am writing. Because the friend that I really want to talk to most, the friend who really means so much to me, is the one I split up with. So please excuse this post and probably the next few. It's so much different this time around. Turns out it was real...

To You:
There is so much I want to say I don't know where to start and I doubt that it will even follow logic but please try to keep up. First and foremost, I love you. I don't know how else to say that. I don't have the words to express how much or how deep it runs. That may seem extreme for only being together as long as we were, but I can't help it. I got a piece of advice long ago that there is no perfect person out there, but there is someone that is perfect for you. The person that finds the most in your positives and the least in your negatives. The person that is in your head so to speak. Well, as we often joked, that's you. No one can make me smile like you do, no one can steal my thoughts before I get done thinking them. No one has ever made silence sound so good, but even those long pauses on the phone at night were good. The little moments we got to share are the first things that come to me when I think of you. Ok, those eyes are the first thing that come to mind when I think of you. They are the most beautiful green I've ever seen, and all I have to do is to look into them and I can feel my heart start pounding. And yeah, even after they're puffy and full of tears, they are still beautiful. You always are. It's the little things that always come to mind. Dancing with you at Gregory's wedding. Watching you walk down the ramp towards my car when I came to pick you up at night, knowing that you'd finally be near. That little smirk you give me when trying to tickle me and you can see me fight it. Kissing you good night and feeling you move close and cuddle up to me. The little text that just said "I miss you", knowing that you were thinking about me too. Feeling how perfect your hand fit mine, once I held it the right way. Missing holding your hand and trying a couple of times to find it. Texts I'll never delete and words that will never be forgotten. Failing at singing "Your Song" from Moulin Rouge to you. Just the way that we could take for hours and really have nothing to talk about. The way that we could spend hours together with nothing to do, and it still felt wonderful. All of that and much more are the things that come to mind when I think of you. Without sounding overly cliched, you really showed me that I could love again. There were parts of me, my heart, that I completely shut off years ago after seeing how much pain could come to them. Then you came along, seemingly from nowhere, and made that part of me alive again. And those are still yours. I don't think that will ever die. Right now, there is nothing that my heart wants more is to see you and hold you in my arms. Letting you go last weekend was crushing. I mean, the three steps that I took after I let go of your hand to walk out the door were the hardest I ever took. I stood outside your door, wanting so badly to go back in. I heard you break down and sob. I wanted to go back in and comfort you. I wish I wasn't the cause of that pain. I want to be that shoulder you come to to cry on. I want to be those arms that you reach for in the dark. I want mine to be that hand you find in the middle of the night, and grab in your sleep. I want to be the voice that tells you good night, and that I love you. I want your voice to again be the last thing I hear at night. I want to be with you. But I also know, that the time is not right. That I'm actually being pretty selfish at times, wanting you at the cost of you life. And for that I can only apologize, because I never meant it like that. I never meant to make you feel like you had to choose. I know what you need is time. And I will be here for you whenever you need me. And I will be here for you when it is time. I know we said it over and over again that night that this was not the end. That we really will be together in the end. That that was not the last kiss. That that was not the last embrace. And at the time, it kinda felt like we were just trying to reassure each other so it didn't hurt as bad. But after thinking more and more, and seeing your words, it didn't seem like just reassuring words. I believe it's fact. And I believe that there is still a lot more of our story to be written. It tears me apart that it has to be put on hold. But I'll deal with it. I didn't lie, I didn't exaggerate when I said a few weeks ago that I would walk as long as I had to, drive as far as I had to, and one other thing that I can't remember right now for you. You are, and will always be worth it. No matter what anyone else says. No matter how crazy they think I am. No matter how much damage they think I may be doing. It doesn't matter. They didn't understand before. They don't understand now and probably never will. You know that I've always listened to the advice of my friends, it's always meant a lot to me. But I know they're wrong here. Period. They just don't get it.
I know I've said it over and over again but I still mean every word. You are, and always be worth it to me. You mean more to me than the world and more than I ever thought someone could mean. To steal your quote: "Oh yeah, and it's true, that I was made for you." I will always be here for you and you will always have my heart.
I love you.