All That Is Old is New Again

I know I keep starting personal posts with this, but man has it been forever since I wrote here. Yeah, I last did something over winter break when I was very bored. However since then, a ton has happened to me. If you'll excuse the venting post, I'd like to get it all out. The spring semester did what I expected it to and kicked my ass, even though I was only in two classes. I was also trying to finish my project and get out and graduate. The project got done (for the most part) but the graduation part didn't. I got lost in the web of educational bureaucracy then just gave up and resolved myself to graduating in December and spending a semester writing. Granted, I gave up on that in June when my laptop crapped out on me and I've put off writing ever since. I've even lost contact with my committee, which I should probably do something about this week...

Which leads me to the next wonderful part of my summer, I live at home again. There is nothing more personally deflating than admitting that you've failed at supporting yourself and have to move home. I'm not a fan of my current living situation. I just didn't find work in the Akron area before our lease ran out at the end of June. There really wasn't much else I could do. My mom has been supportive, but I really feel like I've been taking advantage of her since I moved back. I feel bad being there, but right now I've left myself with few options. I want to be in Ohio at least until I graduate if I can help it, just so I can hunt people down if need be. Also, I'm writing live from the studios of the old station. I've gone back after 2 years at a little more than minimum wage because I need a paycheck that bad. The sad thing to me is how little about the job is foreign to me, even after 2 years. I'm determined that my stay here will only be a few months long this time.

If there's a bright side to all of this, I'm getting to see people more often than I have while living out east. Obviously. But I'm kinda reconnecting with people that I really didn't get to spend time with while I was going to Kent. Former roommates, some people I'd kinda lost touch with, ex-girlfriends, it runs the gamut. And as much as I like being around these people and as much fun as hanging out again is, it keeps coming up in the back of my mind that I need to get the hell out of Ohio and that I won't be seeing much of these people by the end of the year. I'm not sure how to handle that. I NEED to get out of here. I know that very well. It's the only way to really get the fresh start I was hoping grad school would be, but at the same time I don't want to lose this part of my life. College was the best time of life and the people that I met and made friends with are my family. My real family isn't that close and this is the group of people that have kept me going many times. These are the types people that you would willing do anything for, and I'm going to miss having them so close. But I know that the only way to really be able to do anything with my life and no fall into the abyss that northwest Ohio has become is to get out as soon as possible. At this point, the plan is to be gone by the beginning of November. I'm hoping the money falls into place the right way so that I can accomplish that. I know that it's time to hit the reset button. I don't want to, but I have to.

One positive story here. As I mentioned before, I started talking to an ex, well the last ex. Now we broke up 2 years ago. I admittedly held onto stuff too long, but was able to get that closure from her last year and moved on. Not that I've been with anyone since, but I've moved past what we were. We kept up contact sparingly, talked in late March on my spring break, then went silent until last week. Let me explain a bit about the timing. I was officially feeling at rock bottom. I was jet-lagged, unemployed, alone, yadda yadda yadda, and pretty much feeling as low as I had in years. Then I get a Facebook message from her and felt like 'well, that's great. That's the icing on the cake.' Hearing from an ex where there's a rocky relationship with is kind of a good way to kill your day. My reaction: read the message, thought about it too much (i.e. how does she always know when I'm at my worst to start talking again?) and then went on do what I do: I grabbed a bottle of scotch. But before I got a sip down, something hit me. It may have been what alcoholics call a moment of clarity. Something just washed over me that said, as bad as you feel this is not the answer. No shit, I dropped the bottle and it felt like I was going to fall over. I had to sit down and I think I may have dropped a tear or two. I didn't know I had the power to do that.