There really isn't one single song that can spell out how I'm feeling, so just allow me to piece these together. And yes, I know that I shouldn't know some of these. But oh well...
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
If I don't need you, then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you, then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
Please forgive me if I act a little strange
For I know not what I do
Feels like lightning runnin' through my veins
Every time I look at you.
Every time I look at you.
But to wait for you is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've got to take.
Pouring over photographs
I'm living in your letters
Breathe deeply from the envelope
Without that scent
It's filling me with all you mean to me
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And one more, just for kicks, and if you see this you'll know why...
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A Letter To A Dancer...
I can't help but think that this thing really only gets used whenever I'm going through shit. Not much of a blog, more of a diary. Whatever. Just a warning, there's nothing insightful about the election, or the economy, or anything. Just me pouring out how I feel onto a page. I just need to get it all out. Sorry.
SO I sit here, single once again and for all intensive purposes, shattered. After getting home very late Friday night, I dug in and didn't leave the apartment until going to do my radio show Sunday night. Opening the window Sunday afternoon seemed like a major accomplishment. And before you even ask, yes I was drunk. Yesterday was my first booze-free day since then. There's just so much different this time around. Unlike every other breakup, there is no anger here. None. And there is really very little regret because that really didn't factor into anything. I went out and put all of me out there. But it all comes down to timing. It just not the right time for her to try to do something like this, especially across the state. There really isn't anything else I could have done. I supposed that's what I get for falling for someone that much younger, but I couldn't help it. We both admitted that we were not what the other was looking for. But when someone so wonderful comes into your life, you can't help it. I had been doing ok the last day or two. Believe me, I have so much work to do that I really should be burying myself in it. But here I am writing. Because the friend that I really want to talk to most, the friend who really means so much to me, is the one I split up with. So please excuse this post and probably the next few. It's so much different this time around. Turns out it was real...
To You:
There is so much I want to say I don't know where to start and I doubt that it will even follow logic but please try to keep up. First and foremost, I love you. I don't know how else to say that. I don't have the words to express how much or how deep it runs. That may seem extreme for only being together as long as we were, but I can't help it. I got a piece of advice long ago that there is no perfect person out there, but there is someone that is perfect for you. The person that finds the most in your positives and the least in your negatives. The person that is in your head so to speak. Well, as we often joked, that's you. No one can make me smile like you do, no one can steal my thoughts before I get done thinking them. No one has ever made silence sound so good, but even those long pauses on the phone at night were good. The little moments we got to share are the first things that come to me when I think of you. Ok, those eyes are the first thing that come to mind when I think of you. They are the most beautiful green I've ever seen, and all I have to do is to look into them and I can feel my heart start pounding. And yeah, even after they're puffy and full of tears, they are still beautiful. You always are. It's the little things that always come to mind. Dancing with you at Gregory's wedding. Watching you walk down the ramp towards my car when I came to pick you up at night, knowing that you'd finally be near. That little smirk you give me when trying to tickle me and you can see me fight it. Kissing you good night and feeling you move close and cuddle up to me. The little text that just said "I miss you", knowing that you were thinking about me too. Feeling how perfect your hand fit mine, once I held it the right way. Missing holding your hand and trying a couple of times to find it. Texts I'll never delete and words that will never be forgotten. Failing at singing "Your Song" from Moulin Rouge to you. Just the way that we could take for hours and really have nothing to talk about. The way that we could spend hours together with nothing to do, and it still felt wonderful. All of that and much more are the things that come to mind when I think of you. Without sounding overly cliched, you really showed me that I could love again. There were parts of me, my heart, that I completely shut off years ago after seeing how much pain could come to them. Then you came along, seemingly from nowhere, and made that part of me alive again. And those are still yours. I don't think that will ever die. Right now, there is nothing that my heart wants more is to see you and hold you in my arms. Letting you go last weekend was crushing. I mean, the three steps that I took after I let go of your hand to walk out the door were the hardest I ever took. I stood outside your door, wanting so badly to go back in. I heard you break down and sob. I wanted to go back in and comfort you. I wish I wasn't the cause of that pain. I want to be that shoulder you come to to cry on. I want to be those arms that you reach for in the dark. I want mine to be that hand you find in the middle of the night, and grab in your sleep. I want to be the voice that tells you good night, and that I love you. I want your voice to again be the last thing I hear at night. I want to be with you. But I also know, that the time is not right. That I'm actually being pretty selfish at times, wanting you at the cost of you life. And for that I can only apologize, because I never meant it like that. I never meant to make you feel like you had to choose. I know what you need is time. And I will be here for you whenever you need me. And I will be here for you when it is time. I know we said it over and over again that night that this was not the end. That we really will be together in the end. That that was not the last kiss. That that was not the last embrace. And at the time, it kinda felt like we were just trying to reassure each other so it didn't hurt as bad. But after thinking more and more, and seeing your words, it didn't seem like just reassuring words. I believe it's fact. And I believe that there is still a lot more of our story to be written. It tears me apart that it has to be put on hold. But I'll deal with it. I didn't lie, I didn't exaggerate when I said a few weeks ago that I would walk as long as I had to, drive as far as I had to, and one other thing that I can't remember right now for you. You are, and will always be worth it. No matter what anyone else says. No matter how crazy they think I am. No matter how much damage they think I may be doing. It doesn't matter. They didn't understand before. They don't understand now and probably never will. You know that I've always listened to the advice of my friends, it's always meant a lot to me. But I know they're wrong here. Period. They just don't get it.
I know I've said it over and over again but I still mean every word. You are, and always be worth it to me. You mean more to me than the world and more than I ever thought someone could mean. To steal your quote: "Oh yeah, and it's true, that I was made for you." I will always be here for you and you will always have my heart.
I love you.
SO I sit here, single once again and for all intensive purposes, shattered. After getting home very late Friday night, I dug in and didn't leave the apartment until going to do my radio show Sunday night. Opening the window Sunday afternoon seemed like a major accomplishment. And before you even ask, yes I was drunk. Yesterday was my first booze-free day since then. There's just so much different this time around. Unlike every other breakup, there is no anger here. None. And there is really very little regret because that really didn't factor into anything. I went out and put all of me out there. But it all comes down to timing. It just not the right time for her to try to do something like this, especially across the state. There really isn't anything else I could have done. I supposed that's what I get for falling for someone that much younger, but I couldn't help it. We both admitted that we were not what the other was looking for. But when someone so wonderful comes into your life, you can't help it. I had been doing ok the last day or two. Believe me, I have so much work to do that I really should be burying myself in it. But here I am writing. Because the friend that I really want to talk to most, the friend who really means so much to me, is the one I split up with. So please excuse this post and probably the next few. It's so much different this time around. Turns out it was real...
To You:
There is so much I want to say I don't know where to start and I doubt that it will even follow logic but please try to keep up. First and foremost, I love you. I don't know how else to say that. I don't have the words to express how much or how deep it runs. That may seem extreme for only being together as long as we were, but I can't help it. I got a piece of advice long ago that there is no perfect person out there, but there is someone that is perfect for you. The person that finds the most in your positives and the least in your negatives. The person that is in your head so to speak. Well, as we often joked, that's you. No one can make me smile like you do, no one can steal my thoughts before I get done thinking them. No one has ever made silence sound so good, but even those long pauses on the phone at night were good. The little moments we got to share are the first things that come to me when I think of you. Ok, those eyes are the first thing that come to mind when I think of you. They are the most beautiful green I've ever seen, and all I have to do is to look into them and I can feel my heart start pounding. And yeah, even after they're puffy and full of tears, they are still beautiful. You always are. It's the little things that always come to mind. Dancing with you at Gregory's wedding. Watching you walk down the ramp towards my car when I came to pick you up at night, knowing that you'd finally be near. That little smirk you give me when trying to tickle me and you can see me fight it. Kissing you good night and feeling you move close and cuddle up to me. The little text that just said "I miss you", knowing that you were thinking about me too. Feeling how perfect your hand fit mine, once I held it the right way. Missing holding your hand and trying a couple of times to find it. Texts I'll never delete and words that will never be forgotten. Failing at singing "Your Song" from Moulin Rouge to you. Just the way that we could take for hours and really have nothing to talk about. The way that we could spend hours together with nothing to do, and it still felt wonderful. All of that and much more are the things that come to mind when I think of you. Without sounding overly cliched, you really showed me that I could love again. There were parts of me, my heart, that I completely shut off years ago after seeing how much pain could come to them. Then you came along, seemingly from nowhere, and made that part of me alive again. And those are still yours. I don't think that will ever die. Right now, there is nothing that my heart wants more is to see you and hold you in my arms. Letting you go last weekend was crushing. I mean, the three steps that I took after I let go of your hand to walk out the door were the hardest I ever took. I stood outside your door, wanting so badly to go back in. I heard you break down and sob. I wanted to go back in and comfort you. I wish I wasn't the cause of that pain. I want to be that shoulder you come to to cry on. I want to be those arms that you reach for in the dark. I want mine to be that hand you find in the middle of the night, and grab in your sleep. I want to be the voice that tells you good night, and that I love you. I want your voice to again be the last thing I hear at night. I want to be with you. But I also know, that the time is not right. That I'm actually being pretty selfish at times, wanting you at the cost of you life. And for that I can only apologize, because I never meant it like that. I never meant to make you feel like you had to choose. I know what you need is time. And I will be here for you whenever you need me. And I will be here for you when it is time. I know we said it over and over again that night that this was not the end. That we really will be together in the end. That that was not the last kiss. That that was not the last embrace. And at the time, it kinda felt like we were just trying to reassure each other so it didn't hurt as bad. But after thinking more and more, and seeing your words, it didn't seem like just reassuring words. I believe it's fact. And I believe that there is still a lot more of our story to be written. It tears me apart that it has to be put on hold. But I'll deal with it. I didn't lie, I didn't exaggerate when I said a few weeks ago that I would walk as long as I had to, drive as far as I had to, and one other thing that I can't remember right now for you. You are, and will always be worth it. No matter what anyone else says. No matter how crazy they think I am. No matter how much damage they think I may be doing. It doesn't matter. They didn't understand before. They don't understand now and probably never will. You know that I've always listened to the advice of my friends, it's always meant a lot to me. But I know they're wrong here. Period. They just don't get it.
I know I've said it over and over again but I still mean every word. You are, and always be worth it to me. You mean more to me than the world and more than I ever thought someone could mean. To steal your quote: "Oh yeah, and it's true, that I was made for you." I will always be here for you and you will always have my heart.
I love you.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Blah...
So take a look at me now, cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a look at me now, 'cos I'll be standing here
And you comin' back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've got to take.
But to wait for you is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a look at me now, 'cos I'll be standing here
And you comin' back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've got to take.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
It's not TIME!!!!
I have plenty to put here and will over the next few days, as I'm sure that writing stuff out will probably one of the few sanity saving things that I can do. But as I was getting dressed after working out at the rec tonight, I started paying attention to the music being piped into the locker room. As I dug around for a part of socks, I heard a tune that made me stop, perk up an ear, and listen closely. Concentrating, I realized they were playing "Jingle Bell Rock"... on October 18.
It just got really cold for the first time. It is not time for Christmas music! Let us have Thanksgiving first!
It just got really cold for the first time. It is not time for Christmas music! Let us have Thanksgiving first!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Blog Backlog - August 20, 2008
Hills? WTF??? - August 20, 2008
Halfway through ONTAP and my legs are fucking killing me! There are real hills here in NE Ohio. In NW Ohio, where I've sadly lived all my life until now, there are no hills. We got scrapped by a glacier back in the day so the only hills we got are man-made. From my apartment it's pretty much ¾ of a mile straight up to the student center where I've had to be every morning this week. I say again, my legs fucking hurt. This may take even longer to get used to...
-I've still got plenty of these, but I've got to shut down and get to class. Apparently punctuality is something necessary of a graduate student. Bollocks, I say, but what do I know?
Halfway through ONTAP and my legs are fucking killing me! There are real hills here in NE Ohio. In NW Ohio, where I've sadly lived all my life until now, there are no hills. We got scrapped by a glacier back in the day so the only hills we got are man-made. From my apartment it's pretty much ¾ of a mile straight up to the student center where I've had to be every morning this week. I say again, my legs fucking hurt. This may take even longer to get used to...
-I've still got plenty of these, but I've got to shut down and get to class. Apparently punctuality is something necessary of a graduate student. Bollocks, I say, but what do I know?
Blog Backlog - August 18, 2008
Four Days to Learn... - August 18, 2008
So GA Orientation, or ONTAP, starts in the morning and I'm nervous because I have no idea what the hell to expect. As far as I understand it, they are supposed to teach you how to be both a graduate level student in pursuit of a Masters degree or PhD as well as how to teach a college level course. In four days. Yeah, that makes me nervous. Especially since I'm still not sure if I'm going to be teaching or working at WKSU so I'm going in with the idea of being in a classroom and attempting to absorb absolutely everything I can, just in case. Hopefully, I'll find something out at the departmental meeting tomorrow. Either way, this is going to be interesting...
So GA Orientation, or ONTAP, starts in the morning and I'm nervous because I have no idea what the hell to expect. As far as I understand it, they are supposed to teach you how to be both a graduate level student in pursuit of a Masters degree or PhD as well as how to teach a college level course. In four days. Yeah, that makes me nervous. Especially since I'm still not sure if I'm going to be teaching or working at WKSU so I'm going in with the idea of being in a classroom and attempting to absorb absolutely everything I can, just in case. Hopefully, I'll find something out at the departmental meeting tomorrow. Either way, this is going to be interesting...
Blog Backlog - August 17, 2008
-Since arriving here at Kent State, I have been unable to procure internet in my hote...er, apartment. Even though I've been here for two weeks. But I have been writing so I'll repost these posts I wrote while I was sitting in a Netless room. I'm still netless, but being able to get onto the university's network while in the student center helps...-
Finally Alone – August 17, 2008
So I am finally here at Kent State and for the first time, I am really alone. I moved in relatively hassle-free on Friday and have taken up residence in a hotel. It'll take some time to get used to it and I can't bring myself to call it “my apartment”. It's “my room”. It's kinda like being in the dorms again, except that the rest of the floor is a couple of families and some random people instead of a bunch of really cool students. Julie's been here the entire weekend and we've been trying to set things up around here. Having her around has really made this easier. It's really the first time that I've been away from home. Yes, I know that's something that most people do at 18 or 19, but I really didn't. I didn't worry about leaving home because I was only 20 minutes away and I was always in the area, still working in Toledo. Not so much now. There is no easy drive home.
There were two things that happened over the weekend that really are worth mentioning because they are milestones, so to speak. First of all, and most dramatically, my dad and I hugged. I know, I know, why is this so dramatic? Happens all the time. Well, with him it doesn't. He even seemed a little unnerved by it when I gestured, but its something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I don't think it's something that's happened since he was going through the divorce so it's been, God, like 15 years now. I just hope that he got that it meant something. Second, Julie and I went out on Saturday in search of things for the apartment and while shopping there was just something that struck me. Grocery shopping with your significant other doesn't really seem like there's much significance to it, but I really saw us in a different light. We've been together for 6 months now and I had had the thought that this is something that could really last before this, but doing the most routine of tasks with her and enjoying it, just having a good time with each other, hammered home that this is something that really can last. I have been trying to keep emotions at bay for awhile because she is younger and in a different space right now. Not that I'm saying I want marriage right now, but she's still going through undergrad and you know, in a different space. Again, neither of us is looking for something that big but this serious and committed and there was just something about that afternoon. And now that I've had time to think about it, I know what that was. I realized that I'm in love deep and that stopped scaring me.
Finally Alone – August 17, 2008
So I am finally here at Kent State and for the first time, I am really alone. I moved in relatively hassle-free on Friday and have taken up residence in a hotel. It'll take some time to get used to it and I can't bring myself to call it “my apartment”. It's “my room”. It's kinda like being in the dorms again, except that the rest of the floor is a couple of families and some random people instead of a bunch of really cool students. Julie's been here the entire weekend and we've been trying to set things up around here. Having her around has really made this easier. It's really the first time that I've been away from home. Yes, I know that's something that most people do at 18 or 19, but I really didn't. I didn't worry about leaving home because I was only 20 minutes away and I was always in the area, still working in Toledo. Not so much now. There is no easy drive home.
There were two things that happened over the weekend that really are worth mentioning because they are milestones, so to speak. First of all, and most dramatically, my dad and I hugged. I know, I know, why is this so dramatic? Happens all the time. Well, with him it doesn't. He even seemed a little unnerved by it when I gestured, but its something that I have wanted to do for a long time. I don't think it's something that's happened since he was going through the divorce so it's been, God, like 15 years now. I just hope that he got that it meant something. Second, Julie and I went out on Saturday in search of things for the apartment and while shopping there was just something that struck me. Grocery shopping with your significant other doesn't really seem like there's much significance to it, but I really saw us in a different light. We've been together for 6 months now and I had had the thought that this is something that could really last before this, but doing the most routine of tasks with her and enjoying it, just having a good time with each other, hammered home that this is something that really can last. I have been trying to keep emotions at bay for awhile because she is younger and in a different space right now. Not that I'm saying I want marriage right now, but she's still going through undergrad and you know, in a different space. Again, neither of us is looking for something that big but this serious and committed and there was just something about that afternoon. And now that I've had time to think about it, I know what that was. I realized that I'm in love deep and that stopped scaring me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)