As everybody knows, if you're going to start a religion you need a set of rules. That way everyone is on the same page, and you can chastise those who break said rules. That's the fun part. So if we're going to officially recognize sports as an American religion we need a few rules to follow. Nothing overly complicated mind you. Too many rules would take the fun and enjoyment out of the game. Then we'd just be the NFL.
1. Thou shall pick both a favorite sport and favorite team. Along with that, thou should have at least one blog/sportswriter bookmarked whose beat is your favorite team.
This one is to ensure that everyone has at least one team to root for until the day they die. We're talking superfan levels here. You should probably stop short of giving your car a new paint job in your team's colors. That one might get the neighbors starting a whispering campaign to have you removed to a place with nice soft, bouncy walls.
2. In the case of colleges, thou shall root for your alma mater or the school you attended for the longest amount of time. You are allowed to be a fan of a secondary team, providing your secondary team not be in the same conference as your main team.
For example, I graduated from Bowling Green, which is a MAC school. From here on, I am required to bleed orange and brown. However, I was also raised a Buckeye, as was most of the state of Ohio. These allegiances are fine because they are in separate conferences and rarely play each other in many sports. No flip flopping here if they play each other either. When BG went to the Horseshoe in 2004 and almost knocked off the Buckeyes, a choice had to be made. I was clad in Falcons gear and, although disappointed by the outcome, was still happy for an Ohio State win. But during the game, I was all BG. You don't get to play the "I'm a fan of both teams" card. You do NOT get to be A.J. Hawk's sister and wear something of each team's. I don't care if you've got 2 kids on opposite teams. You pick one and apologize to the other later.
ADDENDUM TO RULE 1: This would be the only time that a vehicle decked out in a team's colors would be acceptable. Should you own a secondary car/truck/van/bus/ambulance that you keep around exclusively for tailgating purposes, then go nuts.
3. If watching a game in which none of your teams are participating, you must pick a side to root for. There are no guidelines on how you should choose which side to support, although if your reasoning goes like "Well, I like their uniforms better", expect ridicule.
4. Keep holy the Sports Calendar. That's still to come.
5. Acceptable tailgate cuisine: burgers, hot dogs, chili, beer, chips, pretzels, beer, brats, sausages, any and all combination of cheese and potatoes, some fish, beer.
Unacceptable tailgate cuisine: steak tartar, wine, stuffed grape leaves, anything labeled as "vegetarian" or "organic" or "gourmet", breakfast cereals.
6. When participating in sporting events yourself, thou shalt not cheat. Unless you're golfing. On the links, you take every drop, every mulligan, and every shortcut you can because that game is really friggin' hard.
7. For men: thou shall attempt to explain any and all sporting events to your wife/girlfriend with patience. If three attempts are rebuffed, then drop the subject. Sports is an area of your relationship you won't be sharing. Should she be open to learning, remain patient and allow at least two seasons for a learning curve. If she owns a team's jersey when you meet her, thou shalt consider marriage immediately. Unless she owns your rival's jersey. You shall then flee.
For women: thou shall exercise a healthy level of understanding when it comes to your boyfriend/husband and his obsession with sports. It's competition and that's genetic in males. Some suppress it better than others, but we all like to compete on some level. If you yourself are a sports fan, all the better. You have something to share on some level. But expect him to use sports as an excuse to separate from you and have guy time. It's healthy. Unless it becomes and obsession, then you should probably step in or find yourself a guy who can balance his love of sports with his love of boobs. More of us can do it than you think.
8. There is no number 8.
9. You do not talk about rule number 9.
10. Finally, there are some things that shalt not be considered sports and will likely bring ridicule and shame if you are caught watching. These games are: bowling (if you do it better drunk, probably not a sport), poker (I love playing, but calling it a sport is a stretch), figure skating (artistic and athletic, but the French judge has too much influence on the outcome), and eating (it's a way of bring in your body nourishment. Not a sport. Slamming 50 hot dogs down your throat in 10 minutes is the sign of a problem, both mental and gastrointestinal. Why we're supporting this crap I can't figure out. And screw you, ESPN for ruining July 4th by running a 2 hour special for the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. This is all your fault. Well, that and Brett Favre.)
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