Missing the Hill

There is a hill in Bowling Green, really the only hill in Bowling Green, on the BG golf course at the far corner of campus. It's an anomoly in the ridiculusly flat Wood County and was obviously man-made. In fact the green for the 15th is nestled into the one side. This hill and I have some history. Back in high school, the hill was the centerpiece of the league cross country meet. Yes, there was a time when my knees and ankles worked well enough for me to compete. And, I wasn't as out of shape as I currently am. The peak of this hill was the 2.5 mile marker of the course, a rather evil thing to do we thought. We just ran the last two and a half miles on flat football practice fields and gold course roughs and now when the finish line is in sight, you give us a sharp left turn and charge us up this kinda steep hill. Bit a of a dick move I thought. But I digress.

Darrow Hall is relativly close to the hill, within about a 10-minute walk directly across the IM fields and around the Doyt. I rediscovered the hill my freshmen year one late March night. My girlfriend and I at the time had recently broken up, it had been a really really really busy week between school and work, and I was kinda bummed at the excess weight I had gained while laid up with an ankle injury. So, after a lot of beer, I went walking. There were about 8 of us hanging out in someone's room, getting sloshed as was the normal Friday night ritual by then. I just rememeber being hammered and everything kinda hitting me at once after trying to hold it in for the past few weeks and I just got up and left the room, trying not to actually cry. I'm not sure that anyone else saw that, but I just kinda disappeared, grabbed a sweatshit from my room, and went wandering. I walked away from main campus towards the overflow parking lot where most of the kids in our quad ended up parking. I was passing the last of overflow and working my way around the stadium when I remembered that hill. We weren't exactly friends from high school, but I decided it wouldn't be a bad place to head for.

Climbing the hill, I just stood at the top, staring out. I-75, a darkened golf course, and some buisnesses across the highway is not exactly the most scenic of outlooks, but it did it for me that night. I let myself cry for the first time in about a month, letting weeks of frustration out. The good thing about the hill is that it is far enough away from campus and the city that the lights don't blur out the stars. I laided down on that hill and just stared up at those stars. I can't remember how long I was up there, but the party was over when I got back and almost everyone had passed out. But I felt better and I found my place.

I kept going back to the hill over the next 5 years whenever I needed a time and a place to get away from everything and everyone and just think. That's where I decided to change majors. The whole mistaken process of getting back with said HS girlfriend and the fallout of that one drove me there a lot. I figured out a couple of different situations at work there. I managed to talk myself down off the ledge so to speak there once as well. I toasted from the top of the hill the weekend that I finally graduated. I wrote my best man's speech on that hill. Long story short, almost all the serious thinking that I had to do, I did on that hill.

The last time I was on the hill was the night I before I moved home, before I officially left Bowling Green. I went up there to reflect on the last 6 years, on who I am, and who I was when I got there. Now, I find myself missing that hill as I sit between years in a master's program. I want that place to be able to push everything else out of the way and think deeply. And try to cope and understand and figure things out. There is no place like that out here. Granted, I spend plenty of time alone in my apartment but there's more destructive than constructive thinking there. More mourning memories that trying to put memories and feelings in perspective, coping, and hopefully healing. There's a very good chance that I'll find my way back to the hill this weekend. I think more than anything else that's really what the brain and heart need right now.