I need to get this out of my head and since this seems to be the only place that I'm good at the verbal diarrhea that comes with that, here I go.
At this point in my life, 26 years old, it's time for me to admit that I may have a problem. The last few months, since moving home, I've put away more alcohol than I have in 2 years living in Kent. I was finally around people that I enjoy drinking with and have fun with. But I'm not afraid of the road I'm walking down. Last night was another night that there are large parts of completely missing. I was at the bar then I woke up in the backseat of my car. I don't know what happened in between. Nothing has come back to me at all. I know that this is something that is very common and I'm hoping that I was my normal jovial drunk self and didn't do anything too embarrassing of offensive to those I was with. But this is something that never used to happen and that's something that legitimately scares me. There are two reasons here. First, I'm feeling the urge to drink more than ever before. At times it feels like a physical manifestation and I know where that leads. Second, I have stopped controlling myself while drinking. Most normal people drink until they get drunk and then stop because they know how crappy they'll feel later. For some reason, that self-preservation instinct as disappeared in my head. My overall point is that I know that I'm heading towards something much more serious and with a family history of alcoholism, I have started to scare myself.
I know this sounds like whining. Even to me it sounds like I'm whining after a couple of bad nights. But I'm not a fan of the road that it looks like I'm taking and I hope to be able to cut the problem off before it takes a more serious turn. Up until now, it's always been a joke about calling myself the group's alcoholic. But there's nothing funny intended by this now. I don't have a drinking problem right now. But after some serious soul-searching, it became pretty obvious to me that I could easily get one. And while I know I'm nowhere near as bad as a full-blown alcoholic and I haven't done as much damage as a full-blown alcoholic, I'm afraid that is what's in my future if I don't start changing the way I think about alcohol and social interactions in general. That's the part that's going to take some serious inner work, but right now it's something that I have to do. I'm terrified of what I might do and more importantly, terrified that I will hurt and/or lose those close to me if I don't change my behavior. I still have to figure out how to do this because for the past 8 years, booze has pretty much been the main avenue for social interaction. While most of my friends have grown up, matured, and learned how to have fun without booze, I fell behind in that. Maturing in that manner is something that I need to do now and as fast as I can.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
All That Is Old is New Again
I know I keep starting personal posts with this, but man has it been forever since I wrote here. Yeah, I last did something over winter break when I was very bored. However since then, a ton has happened to me. If you'll excuse the venting post, I'd like to get it all out. The spring semester did what I expected it to and kicked my ass, even though I was only in two classes. I was also trying to finish my project and get out and graduate. The project got done (for the most part) but the graduation part didn't. I got lost in the web of educational bureaucracy then just gave up and resolved myself to graduating in December and spending a semester writing. Granted, I gave up on that in June when my laptop crapped out on me and I've put off writing ever since. I've even lost contact with my committee, which I should probably do something about this week...
Which leads me to the next wonderful part of my summer, I live at home again. There is nothing more personally deflating than admitting that you've failed at supporting yourself and have to move home. I'm not a fan of my current living situation. I just didn't find work in the Akron area before our lease ran out at the end of June. There really wasn't much else I could do. My mom has been supportive, but I really feel like I've been taking advantage of her since I moved back. I feel bad being there, but right now I've left myself with few options. I want to be in Ohio at least until I graduate if I can help it, just so I can hunt people down if need be. Also, I'm writing live from the studios of the old station. I've gone back after 2 years at a little more than minimum wage because I need a paycheck that bad. The sad thing to me is how little about the job is foreign to me, even after 2 years. I'm determined that my stay here will only be a few months long this time.
If there's a bright side to all of this, I'm getting to see people more often than I have while living out east. Obviously. But I'm kinda reconnecting with people that I really didn't get to spend time with while I was going to Kent. Former roommates, some people I'd kinda lost touch with, ex-girlfriends, it runs the gamut. And as much as I like being around these people and as much fun as hanging out again is, it keeps coming up in the back of my mind that I need to get the hell out of Ohio and that I won't be seeing much of these people by the end of the year. I'm not sure how to handle that. I NEED to get out of here. I know that very well. It's the only way to really get the fresh start I was hoping grad school would be, but at the same time I don't want to lose this part of my life. College was the best time of life and the people that I met and made friends with are my family. My real family isn't that close and this is the group of people that have kept me going many times. These are the types people that you would willing do anything for, and I'm going to miss having them so close. But I know that the only way to really be able to do anything with my life and no fall into the abyss that northwest Ohio has become is to get out as soon as possible. At this point, the plan is to be gone by the beginning of November. I'm hoping the money falls into place the right way so that I can accomplish that. I know that it's time to hit the reset button. I don't want to, but I have to.
One positive story here. As I mentioned before, I started talking to an ex, well the last ex. Now we broke up 2 years ago. I admittedly held onto stuff too long, but was able to get that closure from her last year and moved on. Not that I've been with anyone since, but I've moved past what we were. We kept up contact sparingly, talked in late March on my spring break, then went silent until last week. Let me explain a bit about the timing. I was officially feeling at rock bottom. I was jet-lagged, unemployed, alone, yadda yadda yadda, and pretty much feeling as low as I had in years. Then I get a Facebook message from her and felt like 'well, that's great. That's the icing on the cake.' Hearing from an ex where there's a rocky relationship with is kind of a good way to kill your day. My reaction: read the message, thought about it too much (i.e. how does she always know when I'm at my worst to start talking again?) and then went on do what I do: I grabbed a bottle of scotch. But before I got a sip down, something hit me. It may have been what alcoholics call a moment of clarity. Something just washed over me that said, as bad as you feel this is not the answer. No shit, I dropped the bottle and it felt like I was going to fall over. I had to sit down and I think I may have dropped a tear or two. I didn't know I had the power to do that.
Which leads me to the next wonderful part of my summer, I live at home again. There is nothing more personally deflating than admitting that you've failed at supporting yourself and have to move home. I'm not a fan of my current living situation. I just didn't find work in the Akron area before our lease ran out at the end of June. There really wasn't much else I could do. My mom has been supportive, but I really feel like I've been taking advantage of her since I moved back. I feel bad being there, but right now I've left myself with few options. I want to be in Ohio at least until I graduate if I can help it, just so I can hunt people down if need be. Also, I'm writing live from the studios of the old station. I've gone back after 2 years at a little more than minimum wage because I need a paycheck that bad. The sad thing to me is how little about the job is foreign to me, even after 2 years. I'm determined that my stay here will only be a few months long this time.
If there's a bright side to all of this, I'm getting to see people more often than I have while living out east. Obviously. But I'm kinda reconnecting with people that I really didn't get to spend time with while I was going to Kent. Former roommates, some people I'd kinda lost touch with, ex-girlfriends, it runs the gamut. And as much as I like being around these people and as much fun as hanging out again is, it keeps coming up in the back of my mind that I need to get the hell out of Ohio and that I won't be seeing much of these people by the end of the year. I'm not sure how to handle that. I NEED to get out of here. I know that very well. It's the only way to really get the fresh start I was hoping grad school would be, but at the same time I don't want to lose this part of my life. College was the best time of life and the people that I met and made friends with are my family. My real family isn't that close and this is the group of people that have kept me going many times. These are the types people that you would willing do anything for, and I'm going to miss having them so close. But I know that the only way to really be able to do anything with my life and no fall into the abyss that northwest Ohio has become is to get out as soon as possible. At this point, the plan is to be gone by the beginning of November. I'm hoping the money falls into place the right way so that I can accomplish that. I know that it's time to hit the reset button. I don't want to, but I have to.
One positive story here. As I mentioned before, I started talking to an ex, well the last ex. Now we broke up 2 years ago. I admittedly held onto stuff too long, but was able to get that closure from her last year and moved on. Not that I've been with anyone since, but I've moved past what we were. We kept up contact sparingly, talked in late March on my spring break, then went silent until last week. Let me explain a bit about the timing. I was officially feeling at rock bottom. I was jet-lagged, unemployed, alone, yadda yadda yadda, and pretty much feeling as low as I had in years. Then I get a Facebook message from her and felt like 'well, that's great. That's the icing on the cake.' Hearing from an ex where there's a rocky relationship with is kind of a good way to kill your day. My reaction: read the message, thought about it too much (i.e. how does she always know when I'm at my worst to start talking again?) and then went on do what I do: I grabbed a bottle of scotch. But before I got a sip down, something hit me. It may have been what alcoholics call a moment of clarity. Something just washed over me that said, as bad as you feel this is not the answer. No shit, I dropped the bottle and it felt like I was going to fall over. I had to sit down and I think I may have dropped a tear or two. I didn't know I had the power to do that.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
A New Religion
I have loved sports my entire life. I'm sure that a majority of American men can probably make that statement as well. Games, no matter what sport hold so much meaning for us. They are where we are taught life lessons, learn who we are as a person, bond us as friends and family, and present us with memories that last a lifetime. It is almost part of the American dream. Every little boy relishes that first game of catch with their dad, their first MLB/NFL/NBA/NHL/etc. game, and at some point, thinks about all of those things for his own son. To many of us, sports are an idyllic world that serves our fantasies, helps create our identity, and helps create our community. They do many of the things that organized religion do without as much of the dogma and spiritualism.
As a young American male, sports became a passion for me early on. I followed almost anything that was on television and that has blossomed into a major part of my life now. It really doesn't even matter who is playing anymore, if there's a game on somewhere, I'll probably turn it on. It's also a land of dreams for me. As a guy who is active but was never good enough at any sport to come anywhere near talented enough to play past high school, I see things I wish I could physically do but get great pleasure from seeing others do. As pathetic as it sounds, I have become more attached to game schedules than almost anything else. On Saturdays in the fall, I will do just about anything to make sure that I can see both Ohio State's and Bowling Green's game. There are three TVs in my living room right now for the purpose of watching 3 games at once. To cut a long story short, I am devoted, devoted enough to declare my personal religion to be sports. The passion on game day, to me, is the same as the religious exuberance that some people experience during intense church services or other spiritual experiences. I happen to believe that I'm not the only one who feels this way. So in thinking about all of this, I hope to present documentation for those who worship at the altar of competition, who see stadiums as cathedrals, and for whom game day is a holy day. This week, I'll present our calendar, dogma, and rules for worshiping in the religion of sports.
As a young American male, sports became a passion for me early on. I followed almost anything that was on television and that has blossomed into a major part of my life now. It really doesn't even matter who is playing anymore, if there's a game on somewhere, I'll probably turn it on. It's also a land of dreams for me. As a guy who is active but was never good enough at any sport to come anywhere near talented enough to play past high school, I see things I wish I could physically do but get great pleasure from seeing others do. As pathetic as it sounds, I have become more attached to game schedules than almost anything else. On Saturdays in the fall, I will do just about anything to make sure that I can see both Ohio State's and Bowling Green's game. There are three TVs in my living room right now for the purpose of watching 3 games at once. To cut a long story short, I am devoted, devoted enough to declare my personal religion to be sports. The passion on game day, to me, is the same as the religious exuberance that some people experience during intense church services or other spiritual experiences. I happen to believe that I'm not the only one who feels this way. So in thinking about all of this, I hope to present documentation for those who worship at the altar of competition, who see stadiums as cathedrals, and for whom game day is a holy day. This week, I'll present our calendar, dogma, and rules for worshiping in the religion of sports.
Monday, November 9, 2009
My Bowl Projections
I haven't done this in awhile and since its a slow news day and I've got the time to kill, here's how I think the bowls will shape up. December 20-January 9 is the best time of the year, next to the first 2 weeks of the NCAA tournament. So, here's how I see this playing out.
New Mexico Bowl - Fresno State (WAC) vs. San Diego State (MWC)
St. Petersburg Bowl - Southern Miss (C-USA) vs. South Florida (BEC)
Las Vegas Bowl - Utah (MWC) vs. UCLA (P-10)
EagleBank Bowl - Duke (ACC) vs. UCF (C-USA)
New Orleans Bowl - Marshall (C-USA) vs. Troy (SBC)
Pointsettia Bowl - BYU (MWC) vs. California (P-10)
Hawaii Bowl - Nevada (WAC) vs. East Carolina (C-USA)
Motor City Bowl (Little Caesar's) - Central Michigan (MAC) vs. Michigan State (B-10)
Meineke Car Care Bowl - Pittsburgh (BEC) vs. North Carolina (ACC)
Champs Sports Bowl - Minnesota (B-10) vs. Virginia Tech (ACC)
Emerald Bowl - Stanford (P-10) vs. Boston College (ACC)
Independence Bowl - Missouri (B-12) vs. Kentucky (SEC)
Papajohns.com Bowl - South Carolina (SEC) vs. West Virginia (BEC)
Alamo Bowl - Northwestern (B-10) vs. Kansas State (B-12)
Humanitarian Bowl - Idaho (WAC) vs. Ohio (MAC)
Texas Bowl - Navy (IND) vs. Texas A&M (B-12)
Holiday Bowl - Nebraska (B-12) vs. Arizona (P-10)
Armed Forces Bowl - Air Force (MWC) vs. SMU (C-USA)
Sun Bowl - Oregon State (P-10) vs. Oklahoma (B-12)
Music City Bowl - Florida State (ACC) vs. Georgia (SEC)
Insight Bowl - Texas Tech (B-12) vs. Wisconsin (B-10)
Peach (Chick-fil-A) Bowl - Mississippi (SEC) vs. Clemson (ACC)
Outback Bowl - Penn State (B-10) vs. Tennessee (SEC)
Citrus (Capital One) Bowl - Iowa (B-10) vs. Auburn (SEC)
Gator Bowl - Notre Dame (IND) vs. Miami (ACC)
Cotton Bowl - Oklahoma State (B-12) vs. LSU (SEC)
Liberty Bowl - Houston (C-USA) vs. Arkansas (SEC)
International Bowl - Temple (MAC) vs. Rutgers (BEC)
GMAC Bowl - Tulsa (C-USA) vs. Northern Illinois (MAC)
Rose Bowl - Ohio State (B-10) vs. Oregon (P-10)
Orange Bowl - Georgia Tech (ACC) vs. Boise State (WAC)
Sugar Bowl - Florida (SEC) vs. Cincinnati (BEC)
Fiesta Bowl - TCU (MWC) vs. USC (P-10)
BCS National Championship Game - BCS #1 Alabama vs. BCS #2 Texas
In 3 weeks I'll see how I did...
New Mexico Bowl - Fresno State (WAC) vs. San Diego State (MWC)
St. Petersburg Bowl - Southern Miss (C-USA) vs. South Florida (BEC)
Las Vegas Bowl - Utah (MWC) vs. UCLA (P-10)
EagleBank Bowl - Duke (ACC) vs. UCF (C-USA)
New Orleans Bowl - Marshall (C-USA) vs. Troy (SBC)
Pointsettia Bowl - BYU (MWC) vs. California (P-10)
Hawaii Bowl - Nevada (WAC) vs. East Carolina (C-USA)
Motor City Bowl (Little Caesar's) - Central Michigan (MAC) vs. Michigan State (B-10)
Meineke Car Care Bowl - Pittsburgh (BEC) vs. North Carolina (ACC)
Champs Sports Bowl - Minnesota (B-10) vs. Virginia Tech (ACC)
Emerald Bowl - Stanford (P-10) vs. Boston College (ACC)
Independence Bowl - Missouri (B-12) vs. Kentucky (SEC)
Papajohns.com Bowl - South Carolina (SEC) vs. West Virginia (BEC)
Alamo Bowl - Northwestern (B-10) vs. Kansas State (B-12)
Humanitarian Bowl - Idaho (WAC) vs. Ohio (MAC)
Texas Bowl - Navy (IND) vs. Texas A&M (B-12)
Holiday Bowl - Nebraska (B-12) vs. Arizona (P-10)
Armed Forces Bowl - Air Force (MWC) vs. SMU (C-USA)
Sun Bowl - Oregon State (P-10) vs. Oklahoma (B-12)
Music City Bowl - Florida State (ACC) vs. Georgia (SEC)
Insight Bowl - Texas Tech (B-12) vs. Wisconsin (B-10)
Peach (Chick-fil-A) Bowl - Mississippi (SEC) vs. Clemson (ACC)
Outback Bowl - Penn State (B-10) vs. Tennessee (SEC)
Citrus (Capital One) Bowl - Iowa (B-10) vs. Auburn (SEC)
Gator Bowl - Notre Dame (IND) vs. Miami (ACC)
Cotton Bowl - Oklahoma State (B-12) vs. LSU (SEC)
Liberty Bowl - Houston (C-USA) vs. Arkansas (SEC)
International Bowl - Temple (MAC) vs. Rutgers (BEC)
GMAC Bowl - Tulsa (C-USA) vs. Northern Illinois (MAC)
Rose Bowl - Ohio State (B-10) vs. Oregon (P-10)
Orange Bowl - Georgia Tech (ACC) vs. Boise State (WAC)
Sugar Bowl - Florida (SEC) vs. Cincinnati (BEC)
Fiesta Bowl - TCU (MWC) vs. USC (P-10)
BCS National Championship Game - BCS #1 Alabama vs. BCS #2 Texas
In 3 weeks I'll see how I did...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
R.I.P. Captain Lou
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Captain Lou Albano, the charismatic
professional wrestler who appeared in Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just
Wanna Have Fun" video, has died. He was 76.
World Wrestling Entertainment confirmed the death Thursday on
its Web site.
Albano performed with WWE from 1983 to 1996, when he was
inducted into its hall of fame. He began his wrestling career in
Canada in 1953.
Albano expanded his fan base greatly when he played Lauper's
father in the video for her hit single on a fledgling MTV in 1983.
He later claimed to be the catalyst for her success, according to
WWE.
Captain Lou was one of the true innovators in the business. Much love and respect to the Captain and my deepest sympathies to his friends and family.
Monday, October 12, 2009
NFLPA and Rev. Al Sharpton say no to Rush
Sharpton seeks rejection of Limbaugh
When I first heard that Rush was looking into buying the Rams, I admit laughing. I mean, seriously, Rush? Owning an NFL franchise? It was laughable. Until I found out that the rumor was true. Rush owning an NFL team would pretty much be a degradation of the league and the game. Never would the league have a more divisive and controversial owner on issues that have little or nothing to do with football. Yes, people have many varying opinions about Jerry Jones. But he knows how to run a team his way, is willing to pay to run a team his way, and usually doesn't stir up controversy outside of his sphere of football. But Rush can, does, and would. Think back to the 3-4 weeks he was on ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown, until he was fired for saying that the only reason Donovan McNabb was successful was because the liberal media wanted to see a black quarterback succeed. Oh, you can probably add the Michael J. Fox dust-up if you need another example of what kind of guy were dealing with.
Rush Limbaugh on the offensive against ad with Michael J. Fox
Rush Limbaugh being an owner of the Rams would be bad for the NFL. Plain and simple. It would bring even more unwanted negative attention to the league, when Goodell has already been working his ass off to reverse the image of the league in the face of the Plaxico Burress and Michael Vick situations.
Monday, August 24, 2009
T-minus 7 days
So next Monday, I start what should be, crossing fingers, hopefully, my last fall in school. Something tells me I won't be coming back to get a PhD. Granted, stranger things have happened but still... I'm actually rather excited for classes because dammit do I need something to do with myself. That was all that stuff last month was with the Streak for the Cash. I was just looking for something to do with my brain. That and trying to pad my hours at work, but in my defense, I'm working for minimum wage here. A large chunk of my friends are going back to school today and I actually envy them. Yes, I have another week of pretty much sitting around, doing very little, and most importantly, not studying, writing, and cramming. But I've discovered I need that kind of stuff. If I'm not juggling 20 million things at once, standing just 1-2 steps from the edge of complete collapse and breakdown, then I'm bored, complacent, and generally not a fun person to be around. That being said, I've got theory this semester, both communication and management, so this should be fun. Oh yeah, and my perspective Master's project timeline was shortened by 4 months last week by those up above me. At this point, this website is getting done by me whether or not it's my Master's project so I'm really hoping to find a sympathetic committee...
On the ginormous upside... college football starts next Thursday! BG hosts, and should promptly destroy, defending Sun Belt champs Troy. And Oregon takes on Boise State later that night. I really can't wait for that. It's real... damn real...
On the ginormous upside... college football starts next Thursday! BG hosts, and should promptly destroy, defending Sun Belt champs Troy. And Oregon takes on Boise State later that night. I really can't wait for that. It's real... damn real...
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